#59

Even If You’re Only A Friend

 

The only thing wrong with this life

Are the arms that don’t hold me through the night

You weren’t there for 4 months and I don’t know why

I wondered then if and when I would die

Now that we’re talking

I think I should start walking

Walking out if your life is good

Do you think I should?

Would you be better off if I left you be?

What would that do to me?

I’ve tried so hard to talk to you

About what I should do

I want to know if there’s a chance that we can be us again

If we can, then where do I begin?

Do I say that I miss you and feel hollow inside?

Or do I say nothing and pretend that all feelings have died?

Should I keep these things I want to say

Keep them locked away

I don’t want to say anything that might make you run away

I really hope that this time you’ll stay

Stay with me till the end

Even if it is only as a friend

There are so many things I wish I could say

I’d say them all if they’d make you stay

 

4-1-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#58

Finding What Was Lost Time and Time Again

 

It’ll be alright

Your arms, they hold me, keep me safe at night

You’re the one I run to when I start to cry

When I’m with you, they days fly by

Nothing matter but looking in your eyes

They tell me you don’t know how to tell lies

The way you make me feel

Lets me know that this is real

The way we hold each other

Make me think of no other

Nothing can make me let you slip away

I’ve told you this is where I want to stay

I know the way things work

What it means when you start to smirk

What to do when you look sad

How to act to drive you mad

No one can make me laugh, make me cry

Make me smile, or make me die

Not the way you do

And I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you

I might go crazy

And just stop caring, get fat and lazy

But I hope I never know what I’d have to do

If I ever lost you

Only I did once and I died

I sat up in my room and just cried

Then we found out

That it did no good to shout

We found each other again

And all over it began

That we were better than ever

And that we could stay like this forever

The friends that we are

Will stay like this scar

Only this scar is good

A reminder, if you would

Of what I had

And that life really isn’t that bad

Without someone like you

I don’t know what I’d do

 

3-30-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#57

The Lies This World Has Told Me

 

There are so many ages

And not enough pages

To tell it all the way it was

The way no history book does

They all write lies

And it all flies

Everything is believed

But there is more than is perceived

The truth is never told

Only by the old

They are hardly heard

Except by the young who hang on every word

They listen and know that these are no lies

They loose their sight after the wise ones die

They truth never passed on

And the real story gone

It lies beneath the ground

And to these lies the young are bound

 

3-29-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#56

It’s Been a While

 

How long has it been…a year…or two

No, not that long

It’s been three and a half months that you’ve been gone

But now the wait is done

And into your open arms I now run

We hold each other

For what seems like forever

There is this thing that you do with your eyes

That lets me know that what you say is no lie

Then you take my hand

And I know that you understand

Cuz you’ve been with me through it all

Always there to catch me when I fall

You helped me get through this year

And I’m glad you’re back here

Back with me

Like you said it was supposed to be

 

3-29-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#55

It’s Not Just You That’s in Pain

 

What do you do when the impossible happens?

Do you wait and watch while the world blackens?

Try to stop what the inevitably happen tomorrow

Just to spare yourself a little bit of sorrow

Or are you trying to spare just one

But away from you he now runs

So fast you don’t know where to start

To try to fix his possibly broken and bleeding heart

Only this time it was all your choosing

Not another’s doing

You made the call

That having no love at all

Was better than what you had

And now you’re finding that this made you sad

So you had to give up completely, walk away and shut the door

Or you just may have hurt him even more

 

3-29-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#54

Let Me Go

 

You’re not something I deserve

So I won’t be here when you return

You say you love me

But you don’t know how I used to be

I used to be hard, used to be cold

Used to never listen to what I was told

Never cared enough to try

Never stopped to wonder why

No questions asked

As the yelling was passed

Back and forth day after day

Always being in the way

Never listening or trying to understand

I just let go of your hand

You can’t love what you don’t know

And you’ll never know if I never show

So before I hurt you anymore

I’ll walk away and shut the door

 

3-27-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#53

It’s Up to Me

 

Wake up at 3 in the morning

I think you’re trying to give me a warning

Maybe trying to tell me what not to do

Maybe trying to tell me I’m hurting you

I don’t know cuz we don’t talk

Your pace quickens now as you walk

Are you running away?

Or only trying to stay?

Are you confused?

Is your heart broken and abused?

Torn apart and in shreds

Because all of what we were is dead

Dead and gone

But we were never wrong

Never faltered in our step

But feelings were locked away and kept

Hidden from the world

The path before me has been unfurled

I can’t mess this one up, or can I?

It all depends on how hard I try

Try to get back what was mine

But my feelings now I cannot find

Can’t find you or me

And then I wonder quietly

If this was real

Then what’s the big deal?

No feelings left?

Or are they buried in your chest?

I guess it’s up to me

To find out if we’re meant to be

Find out if love is real

And how I really feel

 

3-27-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#52

A Friend That Has Always Been There

 

If only you could see

That this is all we’ll ever be

No more than friends

Never thinking more till the end

Never wanting more than is there

Always being there when no one else cared

Showing your heart

Even from the start

Not caring about what’s said

Or the notes that are read

Never straying from your norm

Always being there when I need to stay warm

When it’s cold outside

And all that is green has died

When it’s icy and blue

And I’ve got the flu

You were there to listen to me complain

And on the phone you remained

Stayed and heard

Every little word

Listened to me whine

And try to real my little signs

The ones that say that I’m sad

Or that I need a hug cuz I’m mad

You cared enough to ask why

When I said that I almost wanted to die

You were the only one who didn’t disown me

But instead asked how this could be

Why I would want to leave someone so sweet

Hearing this made me retreat

Made me look at what I had

At you, my friends- is it really that bad

Bad enough to want it all to end

Is it so bad that you have only one true friend

One that is there

And really cares

Wants to see you glad

Never crying and sad

You held me when I started to cry

They were all leaving and I thought I would die

But I got over it and am alive

Without you beside me, I don’t know if I’d try

I kept going and moving on

Even when I though all that happened was wrong

I know better now than I did then

I know that I need only one true friend

One that is there and wants to see you smile

One that has been there for quite a while

One you didn’t notice as more until now

One that makes you laugh and you don’t know how

Makes you laugh when you want to just cry

Makes you think twice before ever wanting to die

I realize that this it you

All I can say now is what can I do

How can I pay you back for all that you’ve given me

Give back all that you taught me to see

How do you help someone who has always helped you

Do I get to do what you do

Listen and give advice

No matter what the price

I will do what I can

To help the one who is as kind and forgiving as sand

Do my part to make things right

I’ll try to do this not only in hindsight

 

3-26-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#51

You Were There For Me

 

The more we talk

And the farther we walk

I realize that I like you

I feel something new

Something that is odd but nice

I wonder now about the price

How much will you take

Or will you just make my world shake

Make me feel things I’ve never felt

Teach me how to read the way the cards are dealt

Find out what’s wrong with me

And figure out how to get me back to what I sued to be

But I don’t want to go back

Now I know that that was an act

That wasn’t me

This is who I want to be

Only without all the ups and downs

Thinking about it my head begins to pound

I thought I knew who I was

But now I’m a new person and I have to figure out what this one does

Who I am now and where I’m going

I feel like my goblet it overflowing

I know I have no cup

But all I have to do is look up

And I get this feeling that we’re not alone

We’re about as important as a stone

Small yet necessary

Like a single grain of sand or even a fay

I feel alone but know I’m not

Is this maybe why my head is so hot

Trying to reason with the two halves

It’s like trying to light a candle with a draft

No matter how hard you try, you fail

This is about the time I start to bale

I leave without asking why

Just drop it all and walk away

I wonder what would happen if I’d stayed

Would I be flying

Or would my heart be dying

Would I be ok and alive

Or would I long ago have died

I feel empty and hollow

Like I’m missing something deep below

Below the surface

In a far off plane

Where there is no pain

No need for rain

If only this place was real

I’m this new-found place I could heal

Forget all that I know

And live a life free of guilt and woe

Remember only the good times

To look out the window, you must first open the blinds

Do one thing before the next

You have to have money to balance the checks

If this place were real

I would long ago discovered how to deal

Understand myself and my mind

Find a way not to be so blind

Blind against everyone and all

But then I get this call

And I hear a voice on the other end

Someone I know as more than just a friend

Someone I care about

Someone who listens when I start to shout

The one I turn to when all else fails

The one who gives me a reason not to set sail

The one I like maybe even more

I just don’t want to force you to open the door

Make you feel something you don’t want right now

If you need time to heal, then oblige I shall

I want your happiness

Not all this sappiness

This stuff’s not real

The stuff that books and movies make such a big deal

Stuff that never happens and probably shouldn’t

If I could chose that kind of love I wouldn’t

I rather have the real thing

The kind that only a long lost friend can bring

The type that is often overlooked

And in a boy’s heart it is booked

Kept away and never shared

How will she know you ever cared

You act like her friend

And you said you’d be there for her till the end

As a shoulder to cry on

A big brother gone wrong

Only in a good way

The kind that makes her want to stay

The way you held each other

Tells her you’re not just another

Another that’s gonna break her heart

You were there for her from the start

And she likes that person

The one she can turn to when things start to worsen

The one that held her when she started to cry

She just wishes now that you’d give it a try

 

3-24-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#50

Lessons are Hard to Learn if Your Heart is in the Way

 

There you are holding her hand

And I’m standing here lost, trying to understand

No one told me or asked how I felt

And this it just how I dealt

I’m not really mad

I’m only a little sad

Sad that you’d do something like that without asking what I thought

A lesson I was taught

I learned to speak my mind and say how I feel

Or to just shut up and deal

 

3-24-05

 

© Anzu Ski