#84

Mistakes

 

I can’t eat anymore

I can’t sleep and my life’s become even more of a bore

No one’s perfect all the time

And the words don’t always rhyme

You’ll never know why I didn’t walk away

You told the truth and that’s ok

Mistakes can be made and forgiven

It’s just, now, I hope you’re still living

I hope you’re ok, but we need to talk

Why didn’t you tell me you were gonna take this kind of a walk?

Was it sudden or planned?

Was the fire between you and your dad fanned?

Talk to me when you get the chance and can get through

Because I can’t really see me without you

 

7-16-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#65

Goodbye is Never the End

 

You’re so all over the place

Like your mind is off in space

Your words are so slurred

And your vision seems blurred

You’re stumbling

And mumbling

Saying something under your breath

Are you thinking once again of death?

Wanting to die

Why can you never look me in the eye

Don’t you know I’ll always be in your reach

Even if I can’t understand your speech

I’ll always be close enough to touch

Don’t you know I’ve always cared this much?

Cared so much I almost died

The day you said goodbye

Just left me standing there

Now I wonder if I still care

Care for the one who made me cry

The one who had the guts to say goodbye

 

4-16-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#63

You Need To Be Careful

 

So many nights I spend alone

Wondering if you’re out there getting stoned

Only you say that you quit

And that you won’t take another hit

Not as long as my promise holds true

I’ll keep mine, will you?

Stay clean and you’ll be fine

I’ll think that you still have a spine

That your word is still good

By you, I’ve always stood

Through it all

Even when our backs were against the wall

Together

Forever

That was the plan

But over and over again you ran

Ran away from me and us

You had broken my trust

So many times I can’t say I believe you

I want to, I really do

But so many things have changed

And the lies all staged

All made up to keep others from getting hurt

But now, your answers are becoming curt

I ask if you said what they think you said

Don’t you see, I’m trying to keep you from ending up dead

 

4-10-05

 

To: Anthony Foley

 

© Anzu Ski

#41

In the Last Hour of the Last Day

 

In the last hour of the last day

Do you think you could stay

Without any lies

Do you think you could try

To not hurt me again

I don’t want this to end

Maybe in another life

One not filled with strife

In the last second before death

Would you forget about the rest

Could you think only of me

And how we used to be

How we were happy and alive

All that has decayed and died

Become only a picture inside of my mind

That person long ago fell behind

Lost in the blood and hurt

Buried far beneath the dirt

Only, the face never changed

The thoughts, hopes, fears- all rearranged

If only you could see who I have become

Not just the blood, smoke and the rum

The heart that is under it all

The one that waits to answer the call

But I know now that your feelings have gone

I wonder if what I did was wrong

Was it my fault you acted that way

On that cold snowy winter day

The way you looked when our eyes last met

You look so scared, so full of fret

So heard and torn

Your heart on your sleeve was worn

Broken and bleeding

I can’t explain how I’m feeling

Alone and dead

Like I’m laying on my deathbed

Only I am

I’m lying here and thinking about the man

The one I once knew

The one who showed me what to do
When your heart gets lost

And all your boundaries crossed

All the walls torn down

And your feelings, your hopes- drown

The one who showed you the way

The one you love till this day

Till the last hour

Till you have no more power

Till light grows dim

And all you can see is him

Holding your hand

As you try to make him understand

Try to tell him how you feel

That what you had before was real

But he says hush

You don’t need to hear more, that’s enough

 

3-10-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#28

Blood Only Means Tears… and More Blood

 

How can you breathe this air?

It feels like we’re going nowhere

We all promised not to

How could you?

You broke the pact we made

I’m not going to let this scar fade

You’re scaring and hurting us both

I don’t see how you could break our oath

We need to stop

Before our friends start to drop

As you start to slice, I cry

I’m not going to watch you die

We love you and that should be enough

We really need to work out all this stuff

I won’t watch you bleed

But you don’t hear my plead

I won’t let you end up on the floor

Not because you chose the wrong door

Ill help you hold on

Until you can find a dawn

We all love you and need you here

Even if you’re not with the one you once held dear

But that’s not his fault

You kept your heart locked up in a vault

You stayed locked away

And you didn’t want to stay

You wanted him back

But you left him in the black

You put him out like a flame

He probably knew in the way you said his name

I don’t wanna lose you cuz you lost him

Your flame begins to grow dim

Don’t leave me now, when I need you

I don’t care what you do

It’s your life

Just don’t pick up that knife

Don’t make me cry

Or make any others die

We’d all die for you

But you don’t have a clue

These scars don’t really show how we feel

We know these wounds will never heal

We want you here with us

We won’t let you turn to dust

Not all by yourself

So I won’t put this problem up on a shelf

Not this time

That’s why I wrote this rhyme

 

1-31-05

 

To: Amanda Drouin

 

© Anzu Ski

#15

The End?

 

I never meant to do those things to you

I never wanted those things to happen to us

But they did

And it hurt

So many words were left unsaid

I want to say them

But I don’t know how

I want to tell you that I still care about you

I found this picture the other day

The one of us

We looked so happy together

What happened?

I sat here looking at it and just cried

I still don’t know why but I did

I noticed your eyes on the bus

So blue and empty looking

Eyes that haven’t met mine in a while

They looked so confused

After everything, we still can’t talk?

I wish we could just sit down and talk

About everything

But you need to accept that I’ve moved on

And that this might be the end

Of whatever we had left

 

12-17-04

 

© Anzu Ski

#10

I Need to Stop

 

If I don’t kill myself for this

It’s because of you

The radio is blaring

And I can’t hear myself screaming

Your ring is still on my hand

And it will stay there

You’re still on my mind

And you always will be

No matter what happens

But I fucked up this time

It’s my fault

It always is

Every time I’m happy, I fuck it up

I’ve stopped… for now

For you

You don’t have to tell me how sad it made you

I could see it in the way you looked at me

It was an empty, emotionless look

I want to be able to stop, but I need your help

Can you help me?

You’re the only one who can make me stop

I haven’t asked you for much

This is one thing I want, no need, you to do

I just want to get rid of all my pain

Throw it all away forever

Baby, can you help me?

 

11-29-04

 

© Anzu Ski

#8

Make It End

 

As I lay here alone in my bed

I think of all the things you’ve said

The pills won’t work, I’ve tried

Sometimes I’ve just wished I’d die

I’ve cut until I won’t bleed anymore

I have this feeling in my core

You’re gonna leave me

I think you want to be free

There aren’t any guns that I could use

Nothing can cover up this bruise

They won’t go away, the voices in my head

They tell me that you wish I was dead

I want it all to end

But then I think of my friends

Would they miss me

Or would they be filled with glee?

Then I think about you

What would you do?

 

11-15-04

 

© Anzu Ski

#6

With You Forever

 

Remember when I said I’d be here forever?

Well, look over your shoulder

See that sparkle?

That’s me

I might me dead, but I’m still here

I promised to never leave you and I won’t

You might feel lonely but I’m still with you

I know you can’t breathe without me baby

So don’t

End your own life

Make everything go away

Everything but us would end

We would be together forever

Just know that when you do die, ill be here… waiting

I’ll be right where I said I’d be forever

I’ll be standing next to you when you pull the trigger, pick up that blade, pop those pills… whatever

When I said I’d be here with you forever

I meant it

 

11-14-04

 

© Anzu Ski