#86

My Turn to Lose It All

 

Not gonna lost t all over you

But then, what do I do?

Wait for you to come back?

Wait till we get out lives on track?

I let you break my heart

I guess I’m really not that smart

But I do care for you a lot

And I’d like another shot

But I need to fix myself first

Of all my problems, that’s the worst

I never wanted you to go

There were so many things you should’ve known

I don’t know what I’m waiting for

But I can’t be so strong anymore

It’s my turn to break down and cry

My turn to want to just die

 

7-24-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#77

In My Own Backyard

 

All of it wasted- the blood, sweat and tears

I’ve got nothing left to fear

If any of you are listening, stop now

If you began reading this, I’m not sure how

This is about to say how nothing matters anymore

Everything I do or don’t starts a war

So, what’s the point in even trying

When inside, I’m bleeding and dying

I’ve hurt all that I love and care about

So all I can do now is to shout

Death is starting to look really good

But so many don’t think I should

They say they love me and would miss me

5 minutes ago you said you hated me, how can this be

These scars will never fully heal

And I don’t know how to feel

Alive or dead?

Live and tear my skin to shreds?

Die and let all the pain be gone?

I’m not sure to which my heart will belong

Death will take me eventually so why wait? 

Especially when I’m so full of self-hate

I hate this life

So if you love me, hand me my knife

I won’t end it all

Just watch as the blood begins to fall

I may have tears in my eyes

But watch as my hate begins to die

The self mutilation makes me feel better

See how the blood slowly gets redder?

Then pack it with salt, feel it burn, watch it bleed

Now do you all understand my need? 

Check in, go ahead and try

That will just ensure that I die

If you must, go ahead, give it your all

Give me the phone and I’ll make the call

Call the hospital, the morgue, the national guard

I really don’t care cuz I’ll be dead in my own backyard

 

6-7-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#76

Pain

 

I’m so sick of the fight

And crying myself to sleep every night

None of you understand just how I feel

And none of you think my problems are real

Well, I’m blowing off some stream and taking this chance to run

Maybe, just this once, I’ll get to have just a little bit of fun

But none of you see how stressed I’ve been lately

Maybe I’ll just kill myself, just maybe

Let the rest of the world just go past

And be gone with one bloody blast

Or maybe just make myself suffer

Use the salt and the blade, there’s no other

But I made a promise and I’ll try to keep it

Maybe just a few drops of blood, just a little bit

He’d never know what I did

If the scars always were hid

No, I can’t let myself go that far

Not far enough to leave another scar

Why do I need the blade anyway?

I’ve caused myself enough pain in the last couple of days

 

6-6-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#72

Dead and Crying Inside

 

If there is more to this than I can see

Can you please be a man and tell me

Let me know

Before I let you go

So many things could have gone wrong

So I sit here and cry listening to another sad song

There I go again

Wanting love but it’s only pretend

It never lasts

Well love can kiss my ass

I’m done trying

And sick of all that’s inside me dying

All because I pushed too hard

Well I’m tired of being left so scarred

So I’m just giving up on this life

Its’ fill of turmoil and strife

Nothing good

If I could end it all, I would

But I don’t have the power

So I just sit here crying hour after hour

 

5-6-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#66

Why Couldn’t I See?

 

Why couldn’t I see?

That fate was trying to get you back with me

Get us back together

This time maybe forever

But you had to hurt pretty bad

Bad enough to let go of all you had

Just drop it all

And give me one final call

Tell me you love me as you take another hit

Say that you’re finally ending it

I hear the shot then the phone goes dead

And I fall to the floor holding my head

For you, tomorrow won’t come

Cuz you picked up that gun

You were dying and I couldn’t see

Did you do this all because of me?

 

4-19-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#64

The Days Seem Longer

Days were long

But now that you’re gone

They seem much longer

And I can’t be any stronger

I’ve sat here and cried

I’m getting over you now that you’ve died

Physically anyway

So what is it like these days

Is it hard

To see the one you once loved bleeding and scarred

I look at them and see only memories of you

These memories hold true

They help me get through it all

Help me attempt to hold my head up and stand tall

I just wish you were still by my side

With me along for the ride

But I guess it’s hard to see through Death’s mist

I still don’t get why you slit your wrists

There will be others but none like you

No one can complete me the way you do

I think about you every day

I wish you would have chosen to stay

But we will stay together

Till the end of forever

You’re in my thoughts, my every dream

I can still see your reflection in our stream

Where you first told me you cared

And I told you I was scared

Two months after that, it got messed up

Cuz you popped some pills and took a puff

I tried to get you to stop, but my love wasn’t enough

If you’re listening, you died from that kind of stuff

Baby, I wish you could come back and stay

Even for just a day

I want you back so bad I could die

And you know that I would try

I don’t remember the last things you ever said

And now the only way to talk to you is in my head

In there you always used to hide

And in you I will always confide

The days are long, the nights as well

It’s like living in a constant hell

Without you with me here today

Is there a reason I should stay.

 

4-14-05

 

To: Sammi

 

© Anzu Ski

#45

War of Tears

 

You’ll never see me cry

At least not on the outside

Tattered and torn

This wouldn’t happen, we had sworn

We’d never hurt each other like this

I never realized how much I could miss

Miss one person so much

You do anything to get their touch

I’m broken deep inside

Because my feelings I now hide

You saw me cry one time

I’m crying now deep inside

Hurting and waiting

And my heart is once again breaking

I need somewhere to escape

Just get away from this place

A way to leave

A place where I can breathe

Or not

I’ve tried and I’ve fought

It’s just not worth it anymore

It’s like an internal war

Against myself

Well, I’m putting my tears on a shelf

I’m not crying or hurting anymore

I’m ending the war

 

3-14-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#28

Blood Only Means Tears… and More Blood

 

How can you breathe this air?

It feels like we’re going nowhere

We all promised not to

How could you?

You broke the pact we made

I’m not going to let this scar fade

You’re scaring and hurting us both

I don’t see how you could break our oath

We need to stop

Before our friends start to drop

As you start to slice, I cry

I’m not going to watch you die

We love you and that should be enough

We really need to work out all this stuff

I won’t watch you bleed

But you don’t hear my plead

I won’t let you end up on the floor

Not because you chose the wrong door

Ill help you hold on

Until you can find a dawn

We all love you and need you here

Even if you’re not with the one you once held dear

But that’s not his fault

You kept your heart locked up in a vault

You stayed locked away

And you didn’t want to stay

You wanted him back

But you left him in the black

You put him out like a flame

He probably knew in the way you said his name

I don’t wanna lose you cuz you lost him

Your flame begins to grow dim

Don’t leave me now, when I need you

I don’t care what you do

It’s your life

Just don’t pick up that knife

Don’t make me cry

Or make any others die

We’d all die for you

But you don’t have a clue

These scars don’t really show how we feel

We know these wounds will never heal

We want you here with us

We won’t let you turn to dust

Not all by yourself

So I won’t put this problem up on a shelf

Not this time

That’s why I wrote this rhyme

 

1-31-05

 

To: Amanda Drouin

 

© Anzu Ski

#22

Tears as Red as Blood

 

Crying for hours

Can’t find the power

To wipe my eyes

Can’t wipe away all of these lies

Tears that were once clear now become red

Can’t get your picture out of my head

On the floor looking at the ceiling

With both of my eyes now bleeding

Blood as red as the sun set sky

Still wondering why

You’re not here by my side

Catching all the tears that I’ve cried

Still can’t believe that I haven’t died

Looking at the blood

I think what ever happened to our love

 

1-8-05

 

© Anzu Ski

#21

Red Eyes and Blood Blades

 

I sit here

With a beer

In my hand

And feel damned

When you walked out the door

My heart fell on the floor

I walk in and see blades painted red

You’re on the floor holding your head

Your wrists are bleeding

I can’t believe what I’m seeing

You look at me

And I can see

Your heart is bleeding

Just like mine

You’re not breathing

And I can’t find…

I won’t watch you die

I look in your eyes

You’re not crying

You’re bleeding

Looking for that feeling

 

1-8-05

 

© Anzu Ski